Yep, out she crawls from the woodwork like some sort of drunken hungover mess, Nahh I’m totally fucking with ya, I ain’t drunk, or hungover or in a mess for that matter, but I am taking a short steady stroll rather than a crawl back to the land of blog-ville!
Man I’ve missed writing, even that first paragraph felt like home!
So let’s get to it…..
Why did I stop?
I suppose as it’s almost a new year and we have new members to my tribe (Hi guys, so glad you could join us) and some regulars who’ve been here a while too, I guess it’s probably best to clear up some of the questions.
We’ll quickly rewind to November 2017, I had just become a finalist for The Garden Media Guilds ‘Blog of the Year’ category, I’d had a great year blogging, but behind all of that and my accomplishments in the media and gardening world, my real life was holding together by a shoestring. I was miserable in my existence, suffering serious depression, which I often spoke freely about.
I was dealing with unaddressed grief, anxiety, self-loathing and addiction to name a few. And then I was suddenly faced with a marriage break-down resulting in a separation, a brand new job, which I hated and a house move.
Long story short all this chaos left me with PTSD which resulted in me having Chronic Urticaria. You see I’m one of the strongest humans I know, I always bounce back. I am still also human, I too feel and hurt just like anyone else, I just don’t crumble easily, I keep it all in (there’s a song in there somewhere).
My subconscious took it to a new level though, one that almost on two occasions killed me.
So I had to be real with myself, take away some pressures and heal. There was also the question of, did I want to still do this? With any major life changes there’s a shift in personality too. Was I the same person? Was this really my passion? Is it tainted now?…. I had these to answer for myself.. and the answer to all of them is only if I take these questions or feelings to a negative place.
When I was blogging last year before my break, it didn’t feel right, I came back and was just carrying on and not writing or vlogging from the heart, it was just a series of random rants, unstructured and scatty and if you’ve been following me a while you’ll know that’s not how I roll I don’t mask anything and certainly don’t just go through the motions, nahhh it’s not me and what’s life without a little spice?
Well me, I’ve changed, and a lot too. I have put a lot of effort into loving myself again, this has been a massive obstacle for me. I’ve tried my best all year to be surrounded by the people and things I love, although I haven’t gardened much – I brought nature into my home so I was still connected.
I’ve never been an arrogant person or very confident for that matter, I’m actually quite shy and reserved for someone who’s quite candid and opinionated, I guess that’s hard to believe, looking in.
I’ve tried to focus on my mental health and mindset to be positive and full of love for myself and those around me, whether that’s posting a selfie or sending a letter to a friend or going out for a night out full of booze and handbag dancing. My outlook on tomorrow, the present and past is something I’m growing to love!
What’s always been the same?
My incessant need to help people. Whether you believe in spiritualism or not, I inherited this from my grandma who was a medium and spiritual healer. I have a strong vibration to help anyone suffering, lost or in need. When I was 22 I became a personal trainer, I just wanted to help people feel better about themselves. My classes and sessions were a real place of motivation and empowerment and I loved that, I miss it so much.
My blog has always been a free space to talk about the mental illness we suffer and the support network we give to one another. Even from raising young plants for the first time, and how daunting it can be and how much pressure there is these days to even do that ( flashback to my Tomato Bollocks video).
Let’s grow the most perfect long straight parsnip, Fuck off – I prefer mine wonky individual and full of character. Let’s be real, because life isn’t staged, it’s full of unexpected hiccups, fuck-ups and hook-ups. And in-between these there are those moments when you see true beauty unfold in a astonishing peony only to see it ruined a day later by the rain. Where your gorgeous seedling are strong and robust to be massacred by caterpillars the day before you should of planted them out or your gorgeous plot to out run you with bindweed. We can choose to sit and be defeated or we can choose to comeback again with faith, just like every flower that sets it’s seed even if it didn’t give it’s very best performance this time, there’s always next year.
What’s the plan?
Who knows, I sure don’t, what we plan or envisage doesn’t always go to plan anyway does it? We often get thrown down an unexpected road because shit we hit a dead end, that wasn’t there the last time we took this turning? Moral of the story is, let’s just go with it and do our best.
I ‘d like to know where I’m going, but I’m not gonna lie, I like the unexpected too!
Lets just live, and grow in the moments!
Brightest Blessings Always