Some of you may have noticed in the last month I haven’t really been around much. My blog hasn’t been written in a month, tweets are few and far between, Instagram has slowed down and I haven’t Vlogged much either.
Well I’ve never been shy about talking about my battles with mental health and lately I’ve really been feeling it. I’ve some things going on in my personal life which are huge contributing factors, but it’s leaving me very flat and and fatigued. You know you’re in the thick of it when you can’t even rustle the motivation to visit your happy place and your moods are so irrational that you can flip from ok, to laughing, to crying all within half an hour.
I never write about this place of suffering for pity as that’s the last thing I want. I write about my dealings with depression because sometimes I just need to get it out as it helps with the clearing of my mind if that makes sense? And because I want to help break the stigma still surrounding the illness. Since coming out about my battles I’ve found it helps others dealing with their suffering too and if just one person feels better knowing they’re not alone then that brings a positive out of a negative.
So I’ve been feeling like utter dog…..(ahem), I just want to hide under my bed sheets and cuddle my dog – the only person I let in beyond my walls I build for myself. I haven’t been in the garden much or on the allotment and days I do rustle up some positive energy to do so it soon evaporates. One week I didn’t visit for a over week and naturally nothing got watered so I lost a lot of seedlings that were in the polytunnel.
Chelsea was creeping closer and I wasn’t sure if I could handle the visit. I was incredibly nervous because I would have to wear my game face and didn’t feel in a comfortable place or equipped to manage such an overwhelming experience but I didn’t want to let anyone down either.
I made it!
Now as my usual blogs of events go, I write at length about what I did on my visit, what you can see at the event from a horticulture point of view. The trends, likes and dislikes, the judging etc. But today I’m writing about how such a prestigious show has chipped away at some of the dark corners of my walls to reveal a little light.
As I walked through the turnstiles, I could feel my heart begin to race. I was excited but I was incredibly nervous and could feel the anxiety setting in as I looked around totally overwhelmed. Usually I would be fine but I felt like a 5 year old looking up at all the adults in a huge crowd waiting for somebody to take hold of my hand. I took a few deep breaths as my mother in law grabbed a programme and I tried to do a little filming for a vlog but as you’ll see how overwhelmed I am and how I try pretend I’m not throughout my video you can hear me hum along to myself, I do this a lot when I feel uneasy or out of my depth.
I was lost and didn’t know what to do and the huge crowds weren’t helping so I just tried to follow my feet.
It was then I arrived at Mind Trap the only garden I had a pre agenda to see. Stood by the garden was Ian Price the designer and he was happily discussing the garden with the vistors. I had to have a listen in. Ian was explaining passionately about why he chose the plants he did and what they each represent to him within this garden. Having a personal connection to the gardens theme I could listen and explore the concept and garden all day and as Ian and others talked away I could feel myself beginning to relax a little more. There were many people stood there expressing their gratitude for the garden and it’s design, but more so for the story and positive light Ian had expressed.
I was very fortunate to be given the opportunity to go inside the garden to have a wonder around, film and take some pictures. I did have visions of me falling into the water but managed to not make an arse of myself. You can find more information, the concept and watch the video of the garden being built here!
We then headed off to see the Artisan Gardens and to grab some lunch. I also grabbed a Gin and Tonic to help settle my anxiety.
I really am struggling to write this post at the moment and fear if I don’t post something soon then I’ll probably lose or disappoint my followers which I’ve worked hard at for the last year, but I also fear this post is total crap because I don’t know what to write right now and what should be a review of a show is in actual fact me babbling on.
I want to tell you all the truth and not hide away. I’m in a bit of a fragile place and I sincerely apologise if my distance at the moment as it seems like I’m not committed to my blog etc. I have an appointment to see my GP next week so I can get some new medication. Part of me is saying why are you sharing this stuff it doesn’t concern anyone else but part of me feels like I have to keep you informed, you’re more than just followers to me, you’re my friends too. I honestly don’t know how I feel about this post right now, when I’ve written about my struggles before it’s mainly in past tense, where this post isn’t, it’s in the thick of it. Please don’t think I’m posting for any kind of response, I just want to give you an update and hope you’ll still all be there when I come back around and thank you for your patience.
Here are a few of my Chelsea Pictures.